Recently, my nemesis, Babble, presented an article published describing ten reasons you should hire a doula. There’s nothing I love more than a good birth-related trend and I really needed an easy column so this was kismet. We here at Crassparenting are always here to provide a different, while perhaps less useful perspective, so I present to you: Ten reasons not to hire a doula.
- It’s another expense. It’s bad enough that you have to buy diapers and all that baby equipment. Do you really need to add another line item to your budget? This is going to cut into your spa and babysitter budget after the birth. You might be able to get an intern doula for free but if doula interns are anything like office interns, you are going to end up with a paper cut at the very least.
- Any woman who has had a baby can tell you that what she really wants. She wants the baby to get the f%*@! out of her yoo-hoo as fast as possible. Yes, we all plan to bond and revel in the moment but when the contractions set in, most of that goes to pot and you just want the baby out ASAP.
- The Doula may try to talk you out of drugs. What kind of craziness is this? You want drugs, drugs, drugs. Oblivion is where it’s at.
- According to Babble, when you “become completely overwhelmed and exhausted, she (the doula) will become your one-woman pep squad.” I guarantee I would punch anyone who got peppy around me during labor. A few people tried cracking jokes around me or being perky while I was in labor and it didn’t end well for them. A doula sounds a lot like a motivational poster. They work well for some people and they inspire homicidal rage in others.
- “Your doctor might be grateful for the help.” Yep, doctors love input. Especially from hippies. Maybe she can tell the doctor about something she read on the internet. The ensuing head explosion might be worth the hassle.
- These days, it seems like everyone is stomping into the delivery room. It used to be that a mother could sink into oblivion in peace and wake up with a baby 3 days later. Now, everyone wants to be present and involved and sometimes that even includes siblings, in-laws, neighbors and office vendors. You want to add someone else by hiring a doula? You’re going to end up giving birth in an arena.
- Doulas can help establish breastfeeding. Yeah. Someone else to pester new mothers about breastfeeding. Women don’t get nagged nearly enough about that these days. I envision a world someday where a La Leche League leader shows up at the hospital to begin judging the mother immediately at birth.
- If you care about this sort of thing, you are adding one more person to the list of people who are seeing your business (your lady business). Perhaps you don’t care. Perhaps you plan to film your swollen lady bits. Maybe you are the type of person who shows them to anyone who has expressed an interest. Some women, however, like to keep the numbers down.
- Have you met a doula? I’m sure there are sane ones. I can tell you for sure there are insane ones who compost their own manure and wear all manner of beads and chant at the moon. I have met some. They use words like “yoni” and mother earth and if you want to deal with that, I guess it’s your business. Interview carefully.
- They mentioned a post-partum doula. I’m going to take a step back here and say this sounds awesome. Someone to come by and nurture mom after the birth? I had no idea doulas did this. If someone who was not a relative could do this and refrain from nagging about the state of the house, I would be all for that. So, this is really a reason against but it rounds out my numbers nicely and I’m really just pestering Babble anyway.
Photo via Flickr.