There’s a fine line to walk when it comes to children and funerals. Obviously, it’s important to make sure the child does not disrupt the service in any way. However, when the child is old enough to behave, the child may be confused or concerned by the service. The child could easily end up with a lot of questions and concerns, especially if it’s the child’s first exposure to a real life death.
My general rule is that babies at visitation and after-funeral celebrations are a nice touch, as long as the baby. They comfort some people and seem to remind people of the circle of life. It’s important to make sure said baby is well-rested and fed because a fussy baby provides comfort to no one, especially the parent.
Older children are tougher. I did not bring my kids to my mother’s funeral because they were 1.5 and 3 and I simply couldn’t deal with traveling with them across country and trying to mourn for my mother at the same time. I felt like I would be too distracted to grieve properly. My mom lived across the country, so my kids didn’t see her enough to notice a disruption in their lives. If they had been six or seven, I might have considered bringing them.
How have you handled funeral situations? What age is appropriate for family funerals?
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Christa T. Palmer is a mother of 2 small children who lives in Colorado. She worked in the corporate world for more than a decade, but she was laid off the day after returning from maternity leave. Since then, she has worked as a freelance writer.
My kids have been to several due to a generation of my family basically all dying with in 2 years of each other. None of the wakes had open caskets, so they went to those too. We have been fortunate enough that no one under the age of 60 has passed.
Perhaps it is because I am Irish, but funerals, after the good cry, are a heck of a lot of fun. We really do make it a celebration of that person's life. You catch up with family and friends that you haven't seen in years. My kids enjoy the funeral and the lunch after.
I worry about some funerals, because I know there is some underlying tension that could cause problems i.e. my mother's funeral. A good wake is great, but an open casket, as is often done in my family, might be a bit much for the kids.
I guess it depends on the circumstance and the people. Here is a picture of the Hurdler children decorating Nova's casket. Ignore the time stamp; it's wrong.
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/3FVuY2J.jpg">
I'll delete this comment if you think it is too disturbing.
My first funeral was my grandmother's. I was four. My brother who was two at the time did not attend.
Like restaurants, I think it would all depend on the child.
Good question! My mother was older than most, so I got dragged to a lot of funerals for great aunts I'd never met when I was young. Maybe five. I distinctly remember thinking that it was inappropriate for me to be there, even then. Maybe she couldn't find a babysitter.
My son just turned four, and he's been to three "after-parties," but never a funeral. They weren't people close to him- one he'd never met, the other two were my friends' parents (his friend's grandmothers, who he's met a few times, but won't miss).
He doesn't know about death yet, so we pretty much can't attend funerals at this point. If he lost someone close to him, I'd have to explain it, and at that point I'd give him the option to attend the funeral, or skip it, if he wanted. But not an open casket!
I've never been to an open casket funeral. Not out of squeamishness- I suppose it's because most of the funerals in my family have been Jewish. And most of the rest of the funerals I've attended, family or not, are cremations.
I'm trying to think when my parents began taking me to funerals. I know the parentals explained death to me relatively early- dead goldfish buried in the backyard. The first might have been my grandfather's funeral when I was say 9 and a half. But I definitely knew about death well before then, my grandfather has been ill for a couple of years and I know I was worried about him dying all along and knew what it meant. I think my parents probably would have taken me to a funeral from about age 6, if anyone close to me had died during that time. I think before the kids understand death it's not appropriate, though. I'm trying to remember whether my younger cousin (5 years younger) was at that funeral. I should ask my parents.
When my daughter died, all her classmates came, so age ~10. Open casket. They were respectful, but could handle it. I thought it was good for them, actually, in a "hey, wow, life" kind of way.
For funerals of family members, I tend to think no age is particularly inappropriate. If anything, attendance of children from say, 3 to 7, would depend on the behavior/acceptance levels of the adults at least as much as on the development level of the particular child.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you're right – in this situation, the children needed to be able to grieve for their friend.
Thank you. I've been thinking about her a lot lately.
*Hugs*